Daughter of Galadriel: A Sue Parodied
by Starfish of the Elves
Summary: Just a bit of a parody...my first attempt at posting something multi-chaptered with--gasp--a plot. :)
1. In Which A Bad Thing Enters Lorien

Daughter of Galadriel: A Sue Parodied

By Starfish of the Elves

Disclaimer: Tolkien owns all, Orlando Bloom owns himself, to the dismay of the fangirls, and Mary-Sues belong to Morgoth. All right, maybe they don't, but they should. The ever-so-irritating Mary-Sue in this story belongs to me because no one else wants her, but maybe one day I'll sell her to a barrow-Wight. 

*

Galadriel stared into her Mirror, idly knowing that no vision would come. Suddenly, she was startled by Haldir. He darted toward her, eyes wide with fear.

"My lady! There is a strange creature in the forest!"

"Surely Haldir, you can…"

"No! 'Tis different, 'tis strange. Please, you must come!"

Galadriel had never seen her march warden so distraught, and followed him. At the borders of Lothlorien there stood a girl in the midst of a swarm of orcs. The two watched, soon joined by Rumil and Orophin, as the blonde girl fought the orcs fiercely, yet gracefully. The last orc stabbed her arm and she screamed in pain before staggering over to Galadriel.

"I must talk to you Galadriel!" she shrieked, and collapsed. A few Elves that were currently patrolling the border carried her away. Next to Galadriel, Haldir, brave march warden who had faced orcs and Uruk-Hai countless times, was shaking like a frightened rabbit. She shook her head. Times were indeed strange.

~

When the girl awoke in a talan with Healers standing by, she smiled. Everything was going just as it should.

It got better. Galadriel floated in. The girl pulled herself up in a dignified way. Galadriel beat her to the subject.

"You wanted to see me?"

"Yes," said the girl, smoothing her untangled gold hair and blinking her large golden violet eyes, which she thought shone like the sunset, like the sea at sunset, like the brightest coral reef in the sea at sunset, like the most colorful fish swimming near the brightest coral reef in the sea at sunset, like the scales of—but, I digress. "I am the daughter of you and Elrond, aren't I?"

Before Galadriel could respond, she added, "And I will one day rule all Elves because this"—here she brandished a locket containing a picture of Orlando Bloom—"symbolizes my destiny."

She would have continued, but Galadriel stopped her, saying, "Rest child," and leaving swiftly. Once well out of sight, she dropped all dignity and ran to Celeborn, telling all she had heard.

~

"I should have known," sighed Celeborn. "Thranduil's realm has been invaded nearly every day. You must let these creatures—Thranduil calls them 'Sues,' that's what the first said her name was—believe whatever they wish, for it seems they always find Legolas of Mirkwood and die in his arms. Fortunately, he has been summoned to Imladris and won't be returning for a long while, seeing as the journey itself takes months."

"Poor, foolish, creatures." She sighed. "Haldir fears them. But I suppose I do myself. These—these _Sues_ are most unnatural."

"It is said that they are from another world," said Celeborn, "and it is indeed a strange world to harbor such creatures with exotic beauty, strange heritages, bizarre powers, and difficult names."

Galadriel shook her golden head and, with this new knowledge, strode away to see her Sue.

~

When the Sue saw Galadriel coming, she began twiddling her locket with obvious subtleness. Then she sat up and said confidently, "You see Amy"—Galadriel cocked her head. Did the girl mean Ammё? —"you fell in love with Elrond before Celebrian did." The girl then described a long, passionate, tragic, and very out of character love affair involving sneaking away, jealous husbands, sobbing daughters, faerie unicorns, glass roses, and nights by rivers and ending with "and then you sent me to Earth until I could know my destiny. Because, you see, Sauron wants me dead because I am his niece and the only one who can overthrow him." –Galadriel did not see how this was possible, but, out of courtesy, kept silent.—"Celeborn would of course be very jealous if he found out about you and Elrond"—here she described many things that the author has omitted, due to bad mental pictures. The girl continued, showing no signs of needing oxygen. "And then you arranged for me to marry Legolas to join the three Elf realms! Can you imagine? You arranged my marriage! I'll never learn to love!" The Sue buried her head in her pillow and sobbed. Galadriel, having gathered her information, left while the enemy was distracted.


	2. In Which Haldir's Dignity is Insulted

At Lorien's borders, Haldir, Rumil, and Orophin discussed the invader. Haldir filled his brothers in as Galadriel had told him all she had learned so far, glossing over the ghastly Elrond/Galadriel details kindly left out by the author. None were surprised to find that, despite her pointed ears, the girl was not of their kind.

"She says she is the daughter of Elrond and Galadriel? The Half-Elven and the Lady of Light? Does she not know their relation?" laughed Orophin.

Haldir eyed his youngest brother darkly, as if thinking that this should not be made light of. "It is said that some of these creatures can lay such a spell on you that you believe their every word," he cautioned.

Rumil, second oldest and quietest of the trio, spoke up suddenly. "Someone must talk to this creature. I am curious."

"Haldir, you are the eldest," said Orophin, "and you owe us. We run about on errands for you."

Haldir sighed. It seemed a question of honor. He was their superior, but still…"Very well then. I shall go."

~

And go he did, to the Healers' flet. _Why, _Haldir thought, _is this accursed injury taking so long to heal?_

When he saw the Sue, she had not yet noticed him. Then she looked up and stopped writing her angst-ridden love poem.

"I know you," she said. "You are the cold, arrogant, heartless march warden  who falls in love with me and tries to force me to love you, abusing me, even though I gave my heart to another. This will create a bitter love triangle that ends in you trying to kill me in a jealous rage but you are instead killed by my lover. I then have angsty moments of regret for what might have been and leave flowers on your grave, which get me about thirty good reviews."

"Good _what_, lady?"

"Lots of admirers."

"Ah."

"Would you like to know my name, march warden? It is Galenaёraeinea and it means ' beautiful princess destined to have ill-fated love.'" With that, Galenaёraeinea resumed her poem. Haldir, deed done and honor kept through great pain, exited. Rather than heading back to his brothers, he went to find his Lady.

~

"And what did she say her name was?"

 "I do not remember milady, but it was certainly not in the tongues of Elves, Ents, Dwarves or Men. It sounded nearly as bad as the Black Speech, or perhaps a form of orcish. Do you think…?"

"No Haldir, she is not of Mordor. Nor is she of Isengard. As I told you, this creature is not from Arda."

Haldir remembered all the tales he had ever heard and opened his mouth to speak.

"And no, she did not come from Morgoth's Void."

Haldir closed his mouth.

"She said horrid things about me, my lady. She said her lover would kill me. Is it true?"

Galadriel smiled. "Unless she falls in love with an Uruk and you do not have your bow at the ready, I doubt it."

Haldir looked visibly relieved. 

"I would send you back to ask more, but as your brothers are probably waiting for information and as you may not be able to take any more of her falsehoods, I shall go on my own."

If it indeed was possible, Haldir looked even more relieved that before.


	3. In Which Galadriel Gives In

Again, Tolkien owns all and I still can't find anyone to take the Sue.

"Queen Galadriel, didn't you even listen to your minion?"

Galadriel put her hand to her head, a gesture she had learned from her daughter's husband, the Lord of Imladris, on a past visit. He did it often when it seemed as though Eru had turned Arda in its entirety against him.

"My name is Galenaёraeinea, beautiful princess destined to have ill-fated love, the Daystar, more beautiful and powerful than Liv Tinuviel, who is really weak and cruel, always jealous of me and angry because I broke up her and Strider for their own good. Father tries to disown her, but I have pity on my sister and use my charms to persuade him not to."

Galadriel, hand still on her head and now chewing back her lip to keep from bursting with indignation on her granddaughter's behalf, merely said, "It is Arwen Undomiel, child." Galenaёraeinea did not acknowledge her, so she added, "Are you not healed by now?"

The Sue rose, as though these were some magic words, and said, "Oh. Yeah, I am. Now, tell me about my arranged marriage."

The Lady of the Golden Wood sighed inwardly. Her patience had reached its end and Celeborn's words echoed in her mind. _You must let these creatures believe whatever they wish, for it seems they always find Legolas of Mirkwood and die in his arms._ She gave in, saying flatly, "Yes. Elrond and I have arranged for you to marry Prince Legolas next month and join the three largest Elf realms." The words sounded so artificial, but to the girl they meant something. They meant non-canonical plot.

Galenaёraeinea burst into tearful sobs. "How can I marry someone I don't know or love?!"

Galadriel's bottom lip found its way to between her teeth again. Oh, how much she wanted to burst out and say, "Elves never arrange marriages! Rivendell, Lothlorien, and Mirkwood are already joined by friendship! Well, Rivendell and Lorien and Mirkwood and Lorien at least. Elrond is my son by marriage so how could you possibly be the daughter of both of us without something terribly un-Elvish having happened?! Go back to whatever foul land you came from!" Alas, the bearer of Nenya could never say such a thing. With a calm and sad exterior, all fake, she said, "You must. You are our only hope." The utter cliché in these words burned her throat like sulfur and she left to find a drink of water.


	4. In Which Haldir Rants And His Brothers A...

Disclaimer: It is all Tolkien except for Galenaёraeinea, because Tolkien cannot write that badly.

Haldir and his brothers sat on a talan in a circle, discussing Haldir's encounter with the otherworldly creature. Haldir's stormy eyes were blazing just to think of it. 

"And then she told me that I was heartless and I loved her."

Rumil lifted his drawing to cover his smirking face. He could be quite a subtle troublemaker, thanks to his usual silence. Right now he was enjoying his older brother's indignation at the insult to his person. He chanced a glance at Orophin, who for once seemed sorry for his actions, making this little scenario all the more interesting for Rumil to watch. 

"I am sorry for the annoyance caused by this Sue, but at least you could tell Lady Galadriel. Perhaps she can remove this frightful creature from our wood," said Orophin, looking up innocently with his bright ice-blue eyes.

Haldir gave him a look that could freeze Mordor. Then, as though to calm himself, he lifted his head to the stars and began to sing softly. 

"Gil-Galad was an Elven King…"

He was interrupted by Rumil, who looked up from his candle-lit sketch of one of the Lady's boats. "Can you not sing something happier?"

"Of him the harpers sadly sing…"

Rumil shook his golden head.

When Haldir's song was finished, he turned to Orophin, refreshed either by his song or by the idea of revenge. "You, dear brother, for putting me through that indignity, shall have the longest watch."

~

Orophin poked Haldir, who struggled back to full consciousness. "What is it?" he hissed.

"Look. There." Orophin's elegant finger pointed to a nearby tree.

"OW!" came a voice by the tree. "Stupid tree!"

Rumil looked out. "It is most certainly not an Elf."  

Haldir snickered. "It is a she, and she is Galenaёraeinea."

Orophin sighed. "Dear Eru, what is she doing now?"

"I think she is leaving."

"You stupid thing, you're supposed to look like a bird! Ow! Stupid, stupid, trees!" The girl rattled off a long stream of curses. 

"I hope she is leaving."

And sure enough, after crumpling something under a tree, the Sue left the wood, cursing all the way.

"Go see what she left, Haldir."

"The two of you have been ordering me about enough."

"You would have gone anyway."

"True." Haldir sighed. There were times when victory was impossible. Even for an elder brother.


	5. In Which Legolas Is Pounced Upon

Not mine, Tolkien's. Wuv to the reviewers.

Galadriel had an interesting surprise the next morning. Haldir was waiting for her with a smirk that looked almost malicious. 

He unfolded a bit of black notebook paper, folded in the shape of a crumpled ball, and read aloud the gel-penned words.

"I'm leaving you all now. It's all Galadriel's fault. She arranged my marriages for her own purposes. I will probably sustain a near fatal injury and you will all be filled with angst. Amin feuya ten' lle. (That means 'you disgust me' in Elvish, by the way.) Namaaarie, I am off to find Orlando Greenleaf and cancel the wedding." Haldir absent-mindedly folded the note into a paper replica of one of his lady's swan boats, because border-guards learn some interestingthings to keep them busy.

"Orlando Greenleaf?"

"Thranduil's son, perhaps. Legolas does mean Greenleaf, though that is all I can make of it." 

 "Ah. Why did you say namariё so strangely?"

"That is how it was written." 

"And why did you say such strange words, and then say that they were Elvish?"

"Milady," said Haldir, sounding indignant, "I read the letter the way that it had been written. Now should we not warn the young prince?"

"Elbereth knows he can care for himself."

~

Legolas knew she was near. He also knew that she was powerful, because the urge to name a white horse Celebelarwen and ride through flowery fields was nearly irresistible.  

Unfortunately, though the Prince did not yet know it as unfortunate, he was headed to Rivendell. 

And "Elrond's daughter" lay in wait like a lioness. Barely had he left Mirkwood when she pounced, tossing her hair, silver as the moon, silver as the moon and stars, silver as the moon and stars at night, silver as a silver flower growing beneath the moon and stars at night—again, I digress. She blinked, fluttered her eyelashes, and flirted without a trace of shame, completely unrecognizable from the creature that had called Haldir a minion not so very long ago, particularly since she seemed not to know that he, this Elf that she seemed so interested in, was Legolas, the one she said she would never marry. She _did_ seem to want to marry him, or at least court him, at the moment. She flashed deep emerald eyes and murmured, "Where are you going? I'm headed to Rivendell. Perhaps you can accompany me?"

Pretending to give succumb without actually succumbing is one of the most difficult tasks in all Arda. 

Legolas had perfected the skill.

"Of course, beautiful lady," he said, smiling at her. "I am headed to Rivendell, and I only hope one so beautiful as yourself could join me on the _long_ and _perilous_ journey." He emphasized "long" and "perilous," hoping that perhaps she would moan about how she could never leave her beloved GreenGlitterWood, home of the fae Pegasi. It had happened once. The Sue, Alexis, had been convinced that there was a spell around GreenGlitterWood to make it invisible to everyone but those who knew the secret spell to reveal it, and that the wood was hidden inside Mirkwood. She had refused to leave Mirkwood, but was killed by a spider in the process of searching for her "rightful home." Perhaps this Sue had a similar bond to a certain place. And perhaps, if he was fortunate, the place involved deadly arachnids. 

Alas, Legolas had never had very much luck in the field of Sues. "So am I," she screeched. To her the screech sounded like music. To Legolas the screech sounded like Nazgûl. 

"You voice is like music and honey and cool summer breezes," he declared passionately.

She giggled. "Thanks. You're really hot."

What must every Sue call him hot? Was it a compliment? Legolas was unsure, but he did as he always did and gave her a faint smile.


End file.
